Nicknames: Sap Face, Maud the Wagon, Fat Tits, What's That?

Date of Birth: 26th March 1986

Weight: 19st 7lbs (ok a slight exaggeration, he is probably about a stone or thereabouts less than that)

Location: Lives in Priory Avenue, County Dublin. Lives with a rather deaf and eccentric father, an IKEA loving hoovering West Wing fanatic mother, a suspected IRA activist tight jean wearing brother and an intelligent little sister who thinks that a perogative is a five wheeled car made in Russia. Wierd. Is in close contact to the Villas, where there have been numerous arson attacks, drive by shootings and petrol bomb incidents. Police are currently circuling the area for a 21 year old Celtic supporter that lives nearby.

Personality: Paul is one of those people who literally doesn't give a shit about what people think. He speaks his mind and is always brutally honest (can't tell a lie to save his life), regardless of the conesquences. He is very funny also, similar to the comic witt of Dawn French, or that annoying ginger Kathy Griffin from "Suddenly Susan". Bitter to the core is our Sap Face, like one of those 75 year old men who fells like the world owe them something, but it is an interesting part of his character. By his own admission, he is dead inside and would have no problem in giving each of his family members a packet of "Hot Lips" or a marsipan Quality Street to each of his family members for Christmas. Without a doubt, Paul is the ultimate "Queen Bitch". More so than a collar up Mountie with fake tan rolling down her cheeks. More than a thirty something female yuppie with a sandy vagina who would pay for a packet of Airwaves with a laser card. Even more so than a 40 something mum who plays Class 9  League tennis. He enjoys nothing more than to complain about Morag's obsession with Will Young, the inability of Finkles to pronounce: sultans, yoghurt, here, salt, and fault; Colm's suspected sexual relationship with Jack Clingan and Lorcan's "what the fuck" phrase.

Hobbies:

• Scoring ugly birds, the most recent conquest smelling of unwashed arse.
• Eating
• Drinking
• Drinking
• Drinking milk
• Playing tennis with Clingers
• Tutting
• Rolling his eyes
• Dancing likea three legged donkey with epilepsy, e.g. "The Rivers of Babylon"
• Saying "oy!"
• Watching porn.
• Wearing t shirts condemning the consumation of meat.
• Watching smutty lesbian drama programmes on Living TV.
• Playing "soggy biscuit" with Sleaze Bag and Clingers.
• Choking the chicken to Varsity Girls, or whatever the hell John's DVD is called.
• Pissing into laundry baskets.
• Bearing his rear end to unsuspecting members of the public.
• Having no phone credit.
• Sending call me's.
• Contradicting his own arguments, i.e. similar to Swiss Cheese.
• Having deep and meaningful discussions about eggs. Fried eggs is his specialist study. As are the flaps of the vagina.
• Practising the teachings of the Rainbow Warrior Youth Organisation.
• Hangin' with the homies from the Rainbow Warriors. Next scheduled appointment: a Gloria Estefan concert with Ross McGrath and David Watchorn.
• Causing rifts between various members of Labour Youth.
• Having, ahem, slight complications in the downstairs department.

Past Conquests:

• Tracy Marylin O'Rahilly from Donabate (17.08.2004)
• The "Hair Washer with Soft Nipples".
• Anna Peters.
• Miranda (01.01.2005)
• Horse Chestnut outside the Agricultural Science Building.
• The fat tart who Tuna Face describes as offensively ugly. This skank has also scored Simon Doyle. Nuff said.
• Liz Mc Manus
• Rachel Murray (actually no, he just sleazed his way all over her).

Clothes: If the fashion police existed, Sap Face would have a towel placed over his face and his arms and legs strapped to a a high voltage chair. Here are the clothes that I'm convinced Paul owns:

• A pair of navy Canterburys
• A pair of black Canterburys
• 3 chairy shop hoodies
• A pair of Dubarrys (the mingin' ones)
• A pair of cords
• A PUHA t shirt
• An absolutely hideous straw coloured jacket that he constantly wears, even though he knows he looks like a complete bogger when he wears it.

In terms of clothes, Sappy feels that it is acceptable to dress like Onslow from "Keeping Up Appearances", on a regular basis, even when he is out socialising, which, granted, doesn't happen very often (once every solar eclipse perhaps). He actually has the dress sense of Mrs Doyle from "Father Ted". According to the Irish equivalent of Pete Doherty  Emmet Folens, he quoted Sap Face dress sense of that like "one of those deadbeat dads from Wife Swap with four kids who spends his days drinking Hollandia and watching 'Wheel of Fortune' and 'Catchphrase' ". Then maybe we should disregard the opinion of person who thinks it's suitable to wear bowling shoes and bring handbags to lectures. Despite all our efforts, you have to admire Paul's resistant nature to give into fashion, and fair fucks to him for maintaining that Kelly Osbourne on heroin look.

Hair: Ms. Jennings. Nuff said.

Irritating/Funny Traits:

• Saying "hold on a second".
• Being a dradful liar
• Saying "fanny flapper off"
• Tutting
• Rolling his eyes
• Saying "herrrrrrrrrrrre"
• Reading other peoples' text messages
• He rings you and says "hold on a second"
• Threatening to ejaculate all over one's face
• Saying he can't go out because he has to mind Barbara.
• Suggesting John is having problems with his sexual preferences.
• Interrupting you conversations when pissed.
• Saying "I think I've had too much to drink".
• Saying "absolutely not"
• Using all types of utterly ridiculous words to describe how drunk or stoned he is/was.
• Wasting his hard earned(?) money on West Wing DVD's just so he can fantasise over CJ.
• Stating that "Miss Fried Eggs" is a "mingbox".
• Saying "don't touch me"
• Flinching when being touched.
• Lusting after Susan Sarandon and Liz McDonald from Coronation Street.
• Dreaming about conducting a secret affair with seahorse lookalike Mary Lou McDonald or hot piece of ass Ann Widdecombe.
• Having girly fights with James while on the phone to you.
• Sending call me's
• When drinking a can of beer, scoring the can in the process.
• James dialling a number in the background when he knows Paul is on the line.
• Giggling uncontrollably when smoking you know what.
• His love for flicking nipples, causing the recipiant great pain, one can imagine.

Aquaintances:

• Members of the Rainbow Warrior Youth Organisation.
• Pele (think about it).

Favourite Music: The Village People, Men at Work, Bonnie Tyler, Cher, and so forth. Basically camp. However, does win some points for liking Pink Floyd, Status Quo and Dire Straits.

Famous Quotes:

3. She's fucking mingox!!!

2. And look, Vivica here on the road to fucking Croatia! Going to explore herself....oh, I'm not sure I'm ready for this....oh my god! (in a Joan voice).

1. On Paula Radcliffe's tragic exit from the Athens 2004 Olympic Games:

"They should play that song the 'The Drugs Don't Work' ".

Genius.

Paul, you are an inspiration to us all.

Finkles x

Did You Know? : Many overwieght men suffer from erectile disfunctions.