Name: John James Murphy

Nicknames: Morag, Bruce Springstain, Hey You With The Leaves

Date of Birth: 21st February 1986

Height: 6ft 2.5 in

Weight: 13st 7lbs - 14st (he will however claim to be at least two heavier, considering he is such a tank, as you can tell from the above picture)

Location: John is currrently residing in Palmerston Gardens, Rathmines, or as we respectful people like to refer to it, "the Mines" on the westsiiiide, byotch. Lives with his 15 year old sis (who will probably grow up to be a minx, provided Sleaze Bag doesn't get there first and give a bit of a licking down), a whipped but friendly Dad who apparently loves Girls Alound and Tupac and "I'm Catherine Murphy. I'm a judge!" mum who has a a bizarre fetish for low cut tops (re. 17.08.2004) and lemon cake. The reason we refer to John's locality as "The Mines" (or Chino for you O.C. fans) is the illicit actions that take place in the area: (a) Arson attacks (b) Soliciting and other forms of prostitution and (c) teenage girls e.g. a certain Ms Matthews stuffing cucumbers and other salad ingredients up their "birth canals".

Personality: The good traits of Morag's personality are that he is friendly and easy going, i.e. not menstrual (Sap Face, we are looking at you). He can also talk forever, and waffle on about general crap that people, most of the time don't really listen to, not one of those cream crackers that just sits there smoking a Malboro Light and plotting how to execute their plan of world domination. However, he is extremely lazy. He considers a once every two month stint for a catering company permanent employment and has no problem whatsoever in taking handouts from Mummy and Daddy, and will probably still be living at home at the age of 47, still asking us over for soup and the O.C. He also has the very annoying trait of repeating everything he says at least three times, basically he is a less mature version of Fred Elliot from "Coronation Street". Also according to Sap Face, Morag is one of those pretend upper class socialite bitches, similar to Jade Goody from BB3 or that ugly whore Jodie Marsh. Then again, Sap Face is scared of meeting new people, so maybe we should disregard that information. He is also extremely fickle. Now he says that Finkles is fickle, which is true to a certain extent, but John is as fickle as an indecisive Alzeimhers patient holding a rememberance mass. If two or more people disagree with him an a particular argument, he will literally turn 180 degrees on the subject. It's like placing a paper cup in front of a fan and turning it on full blast. Comparisons can also be drawn to him being similar to one of those annoying Yes men from "The Simpsons".

Hobbies:

• Eating soup
• Watching the O.C.
• Pulling out of footy matches due to sudden health problems (picking up life endangering colds in 10 minutes).
• Hangin' out with that fat, ugly, bullshit-ridden, primadonna-like faggot-in-denial cunt cunt, who we refer to as "The Pug".
• Doing incorrect air drum rolls and invisible guitar playing to "Can't Stop" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns n' Roses.
• Making sweet and sour mouse.
• Going to Redbox.
• Going "for a wander" in Anabel's (showing his socialite qualities again).
• Lying incessently.
• Not going out with Rachel Lalor.
• Rabbiting on about how hot Cat Garry is.
• Wasting his 70 euros a week on Fat Frogs and other general crap.
• Going to the gym to look at the people doing the machines and wishing he was as big as that.
• Drinking Tuborg.
• Wearing completely homosexual blazers.
• Sexy dancing with Mrs George Best herself, Sarah McGuire.
• Having stupid gym contests with Fanny Kicker, before Finkles showed them how it's done.
• Not having showers.
• Err..that's it. Doesn't really have many hobbies.

Funny/Annoying Traits:

• Ok, while ther not have been many hobbies, this knob has a SHITLOAD of traits or characteristics if you will:
• Saying apparently.
• Saying his dad loves this song. John, I'm sure Bernard has no idea who the hell "Chingy" or "Kanye West" is, and I'm sure you didn't find him "dancing to this song in your kitchen". That was a fib. He's probably a closet Frances Black or Chris de Burgh fan.
• Ringing you for pointless conversations.
• Ringing you to say "what are you doing today?"
• Constantly stating the fact that his mum is a judge and saying that she sent some serial murderer down for life. (I doubt it. She's probably one of those judges that gets stuck with cases dealing parking tickets and cyclists riding without backlights).
• Laughing (fake) like a metronome.
• Telling us that is was 35C in Vienna and saying that it was a good lie.  Fuck you.
• Stating that Sleaze Bag was going to be some rough trivk's byotch in the "Joy" after Sleazy was caught with his lad out on Carysford Avenue.
• Let's just get this across, shall we? Making really, really, shit jokes. Hence the fish in the tank.
• Rabbiting on about Goldie Lookin' Chain, Dizzie Rascal and The Killers.
• When he attempts to say something on four different ocassions and nobody listens to him, because it's usually bullshit anyway.
• Carrying a large batch of tumbleweed in his rucksack for college. With John's humour, it is required on a regular basis, with a fan of some sort.
• Copying what other people wear, i.e. like Colleen McLoughlin.
• Trying to make out that he's a really good singer, when he sounds like the The Cheeky Girls moving their bowels, or my favourite metaphor: A schizophrenic donkey with a traffic cone stuck up its ass.
• Saying "myself and Joe".
• Saying "Did you hear what Sarah did last night?"
• Doodling and distracting other students in lectures.
• Going on about "how drunk Sarah was last night".
• Wearing "Pokemon" boxers.
• Making other people endure the horror of listening to the most irrelevant music on his iPod.
• Berating Sap Face for the mini discs he and Sleaze Bag made. (Fair point, they were bloody awful, the type of music you would hear in the George).
• Telling everybody that good old Ross Beasley is benching 80kg.
• Denying that a certain female he knows wears low cut tops.
• Wearing his hair in a butch lesbian style.
• Lusting after Sarah McGuire (Yes, I know, state the fucking obvious).

Clothes:

• Now when I say that John is similar to Rooney's bird Colleen McLoughlin, I don't mean that he looks like an overweight chavistic whore. It's basically anything that anybody else wears, Morag will steal the idea and wear it himself. Example: blazers. Take for example, Mr Will Young himself, Joe Flood. Once Joe wears a blazer to Anabels, John starts to wear a blazer to Anabels, and so on with other items. Other passions include a love for ski jackets, anything baby blue, seashell necklaces and wearing 2-3 t shirts to make those extension lead arms look bigger. In fairness, he does have a better dress sense than Sap Face. But that wouldn't be hard to beat, even Mary Sugrue dresses better than Paul.

Past Conquests:

• Oh yes, oh no wait, thought I had it there......

• Ah yes, Rachel Lalor.
• Ruth Gilligan ( they will both deny this one )
• Cat Garry (hisssss)
• A big, big, plant.

Famous Quote: An actual phone conversation between John and Finkles:

John: What's brown and sticky?

Finkles: What?

J: A stick.

F: -

John: So.....I Dunno. Anyway, what are you doing today?

F: John?

J: Yeah?

F: I hate you so much. (Hangs up)

J: Hello? Hello? Fuck you. Oh shit the O.C. is on. Mum quickly pass me my Tuborg and lemon cake. Oh dad, listen, "99 Problems" is on by Jay Z, you love this song.

Morag, the world would be a horrible place without you.

Finkles x