Nicknames: Porn star Joe, Duckface, Irish Physics Olympiad Twat, Woman Beater, Quack Quack

Date Of Birth: 25th February 1986

Height: 5ft 10in

Weight: 11st 7lbs

Location: Claims to live in Foxrock, although he really dwells in the scumholes or the "Mun" of the southside. Although he prefers to keep this secret, Joe was a former NORTHSIDER. We are talking in the slums of Malahide, and apparently lived above a Chinese takeaway. However, he was burnt out after  kicking a pregnant woman in her front bottom. Now lives with a younger sister, who according to Alex McKinley is a "total bitch" and a "dominatrix, who has a fetish about leather", a friendly mother who talks like Pat Short and who narrowly missed out to Pauline McLynn for the "Mrs Doyle" role, and a father who has a striking resemblence to George Hook.

Personality: Joe appears to be one of those people who literally doesn't have a care in the world and like that twat Morag, is pretty easy going and laid back. He is also a very passionate dude, especially when it comes to music, alcohol and a certain Ruth Gilligan, who we are all convinced Joe is sleeping with. He is also filthy, both in mind and body. According to Finkles, he has a mind as filthy as a 60 year old prostitute called Majorie with genital warts. Another aspect about Quack Quack's personality is that he is very dynamic. At the age of 13, he was the ideal mummy's boy: angelic, polite and a total nerd. However, the perils of alcohol soon changed his character. Joe soon became greasy, hairy, unkempt and basically drunk every time you saw him; pretty much like a younger version of Rocky Tomlinson from "The Royal Family". At the age of 60, you can imagine Joe becoming that homeless guy that spends his days wandering around UCD.

Hobbies:

• Drinking Tuborg, Whiskey, Red Wine, White Wine, Tequila, Mr. Sheen, Flash, Pernod,  Martini, Irish Mist, Creme de Menthe, Cif, Toilet Duck, Baileys, Jack Daniels, Bacardi, Rum etc.
• Eating pizza, homemade dinners and Iseult.
• Walking
• Watching VH1
• Going to Anabel's
• Wearing Dubarry's
• Receiving sexual pleasure in Bondi.
• Being a destructive and harmful influence on John.
• Pissing everyone off with his sadistic love for music, i.e. that Britney Spears was two pounds heavier than her normal weight when she made the video for "Toxic". Once again we Joe's nerdy qualities coming through again.
• Combing his belly hair.
• Secretly sleeping with Ruth Gilligan, although he'll furiously deny it if you ask him.
• Suffering physical abuse from a deranged drunk girl (Sarah).
• Saying "Roooooooneyyyyy".
• Getting sick in hotels.
• Giving out about "Deep Purple".
• Obsessing about "Girls Aloud".
• Showing his northsider qualities in his dancing technique.
• Casting disapproving looks at John and Sarah's drunken antics, i.e. sexy dancing, touching etc.
• Having stupid hair, i.e. the Ron Jeremy phase in 5th year.
• Drinking pints of Pernod and then passing out.
• Engaging in knacker dancing in garden sheds, staying true to his heart.
• Avoiding being neutered by Dr. McGuire.
• Being hated by John's parents for corrupting their wonderful, wonderful son. (Someone's top comes down a little).
• Hating "The Pug", but lusting after his mum, who Fanny Kicker describes as "one hot piece of ass".
• Writing poetry.
• Waking up on the side of a road with no shoes and a sore ass on a regular basis.
• Turning Morag into some cheap socialite bitch.
• Dressing up as a pimp.
• Turning up at friend's houses while pissed at 3am.
• Taking perverse photos of Sarah doing seductive poses on posh cars.
• Chaperoning Sarah and her friends on "Messy Thursday". Don't know what it is, but it's probably some giant orgy between the architecture students.
• Being slapped by Sarah.
• Being whipped by Sarah (not in the dominatrix way).
• Being accused of molesting Sarah by Dr. McGuire.
• Falling off his bike.
• Knocking over defenceless women.
• Having penises being drawn on his face.
• Just generally abusing women.

Clothes:

• Mr Will Young aka Joe Flood. Has an obsession with blazers, Canterbury jackets, Dubarry's and anything with feathers. Is obsessed with blazers, and here we see the destructive influence Joe has on John, introducing him to this whole Will Young fad. They can be seen strutting to Anabel's in their blazers, two t shirts, Jack Jones trousers and Dubarry's thinkin' they're the shit, when really they look like a pair of sad twats on their way to "The Tossers of the Year" awards. Also has this thing of wearing pieces of rope for belts, according to Sarah. Either she was drunk when she said this, or next Wednesday we are going to see Morag wearing a piece of extension cord around his waist. Oh well, at least it will match his arms.

Hair:

• While Fanny Kicker has acceptable hair nowadays, in his younger days it was not as straightforward. In his pre teen years, he went through that dreaded Mike Flowers Pops stage and then aged 17, had a strinking resemblence to that washed up whore Cher, in that disturbing video "Turn Back Time".